Long Distance Relationship Chronicle – The First Tiff

            That happened today, four days down and we had our first long distance mini tiff. I think it has more to do with the fact that I don’t see him anymore. We had planned to video chat daily butthat has not happened yet, some internet issues. Whatsapp calls lags and it is frustrating really. What makes it even worse is that he is getting lousy at texting, he isn’t updating me what’s happening and it feels like I am the one taking all the efforts to try and speak to him all the time.

            Long distance is anyway difficult; add all the miscommunication to it and it is going straight down the drain. He promised he would be more active in the texting department let’s see how that goes. 

Long Distance Relationship Chronicle – Day 1 Ends

            Day 1 was so longgg.. I mean really! If days could feel so long without him I wonder how 2 years are going to turn out. It wasn’t even like we weren’t in touch; we were constantly in touch sharing every small aspect of day. I realized that now that we were apart wewere sharing more about the happening of the day compared to the time when he was here.

            Still haven’t got used to this feeling. My brains still makes plans and then realize that he is not here. I tried Google hangout but something is off with the connection and the video chat lags a lot, have downloaded Skype but I am not really very familiar with it. It is scary how much we are dependent on technology now. I wonder how people in olden days handled long distance, staying apart for days and months with nothing but just occasional letters to communicate, it must be difficult. 

            I am actually scared how these days feel so long.

Long Distance Relationship Chronicle

            After being together for 6 years and 11 months with lots of ups and downs we have entered a new phase, just one month before our 7 years anniversary. 7 years!!! Wow that a long time! He ismovie for work for 2 years, and as scary as it sounds I want to believe that this will only make us stronger.

            It is easy to be in love with someone who you can meet everyday, it is equally difficult to love someone who is practically not there with you physically. I knew he was planning to leave soon, I just didn’t know it would be so quick! We hardly got 2 days notice and he had to leave. The feeling is just sinking in yet, I got up knowing he is not in the same city as I am anymore. My brains are still not okay with this idea. It had become a routine to plan the day and then see if I could see him in the evening, I did that today as well and then remember that he is gone.

            I am not exactly sad, I know that this is best for our future, his future to be exact. It is just difficult and scary! Very very scary.

            I have seen people breakup in a long distance relationship, I have seen people cheat in a long distance relationship and that is something that I really hope I don’t have to deal with.

            A new phase starts now. 

Open Magazine - The Desperation of the Marathi Groom

I read this - http://www.openthemagazine.com/article/living/the-desperation-of-the-marathi-groom article yesterday and it immediately struck a chord with me as I did breakup with my long term boyfriend so that I could do something with my career first. I am doing my masters and plan on getting a good job etc before I think about getting married. Then there are those times when I wonder if I made a mistake by not getting married and going after my ambitions. You see there are two sides here.

            So the article speaks about how women these days are more career oriented and how they are not in a hurry to get married because they have the stability that marriage offers already thanks to their job and good salary package. The article also touches the topic of female foeticide and how that has affected the men women ratio.

            It’s true that women are getting more career oriented and that has given them the freedom to wisely choose their partner. It’s not how it used to be 10 years back, when the male was calling the shots – the tables have turned mister. This makes the feminist in me very happy. Isn’t this something like the olden times? When Swayamwar was the "in thing". On the other hand, if this is happening because the sex ratio is off charts then that’s something to worry about.

            People usually say that women should be independent and career oriented and should be equal to men etc. but all this goes straight into the dustbin when it comes on to them to support such a woman.

            The article specifically talks about Marathi Groom, and I can understand why. Being a Maharashtrian I have seen those typical men who still believe that men are above women, yes including the well educated people.

            I am not of the opinion that the desperation is justified but I am glad that women are finally getting over the “Need to get married before I am 25” phase and stepping into “I need to do well in my career” phase. This also doesn’t mean marriage is not important but so is your Life, Money, Independence and Career!

Cupid Game

            The classic proposal includes candle lit dinner, a ring, good music and lots of flirting. I know we both are romantics at heart and would love to follow the pattern. However I also believe that there has to be something different which shows effort, so that it is the same old with a personal touch.

            He is an IT and Social Media guy, his life revolves around codes, computers, social media etc. I kind of am interested in what he does but things like coding etc doesn’t interest me or rather I just don’t understand it.

            To build up to the big question, I plan on doing a couple of little things to which he just couldn’t say no to. A blog, a game and dinner made by me.  As I mentioned, he is a social media enthusiast and so am I. Back in the day when I had thought of doing something for him, blog was my first option. It would be nice to have our stories on a blog, we can even later turn into something that we blog at. You know like a project that we are doing together (I think that would be fun).

            I don’t know how feasible the next thing that I plan on doing is. I’ll talk to some friends or find someone who could do it for me. I would love to make a small computer game, not very jazzy or intense. Like the flash games that we had when we were kids. A treasure hunt or maybe something where the Prince rescues the Princess and then they live happily ever after.

            And the next is, cooking for him. I am terrible at cooking. It is an achievement if I get the Maggi right, no I am not exaggerating. Actually I had once tried to cook his favorite dish for him but ended up messing it. He came over and then fixed the dish. Even thought I didn’t go according to the plan, I really found it very cute that he came and fixed my mistakes. Something like we complete each other right? NO? Okay! L  

            So well, the plan is clear now. I would invite him over for dinner and I would make the entire dinner by myself without anyone’s help! Candle light, music and then just us! When things are set I would ask him to complete the game and the end of which I shall pop the question. Hoping that he would say yes, I would then show him the blog and then we shall write the last chapter of our love story together and then begin a new chapter about our camaraderie!

Celebration of love is important, it is also very important to show your partner how much you care about them. These small little things that people do for each other which shows that they care keeps the love alive. It needn’t always be something big something small yet thoughtful does the trick!

This post has been written for IndiBlogger you can find more information here - http://cupidgames.closeup.in/.

Panic Attack

She just laid there

The fear enveloped her. Heart beat went up. She couldn’t breathe.

This had happened before. These days however it was happening more often.

She waited and wished it would get over, she tried to calm down.

Nothing worked! She wanted to scream and call someone for help but she knew no one would understand what she was going through.

Lots of bad thoughts captured her mind. Heart beats still rising, breathing becoming more difficult.

Calm Down! Calm Down! she kept telling herself.

She closed her eyes and let it pass, she felt close to a heart attack. Or was it a demon strangling her with all the devilish thoughts.

And it was over just as suddenly as it started.  She didn’t know what to expect next, she just hoped it didn’t happen again.

It was time now for her to behave everything was alright and put up a smile. 

Thought Trail

“You should be strong; you should never give up nor be afraid of doing something that your heart tells you to do. Your father is no more, you don’t have any brothers. You should learn to take care of yourself.” her mother told her. She was still a kid and those words didn’t really penetrate deep enough to her.

“Mamma, the guy who sits next to me in school is mean to me. I don’t want to sit with him”she complained one day to her mother.

“Do you want me to come talk to your class teacher?”

“No, it’s okay. Ill handle it”

Her mother smiled a little. She knew she had done her job right. She had brought up her daughter to deal with her problems on her own and not depend on anyone else. The mother however traditional in a way was also very practical and modern. She had seen both poverty and riches and knew a right combination of traditional values and practicality and modern culture is the best way to bring up daughter.

She was the kind of mother who allowed her daughter late night parties but also taught her the importance of getting up early in the morning. She made it very clear that she disapproved of her first boyfriend but didn’t force her daughter to break up. She let her make her own decisions.

Years later

“You are dating him for how long exactly?”Her mother enquired. All these years the daughter had learnt to be responsible, independent and free to take her own decisions.

“6 years”

“And this is his younger brother’s engagement? Are you planning to get married to him?”

“Yup, but that is still going to take time. I am still studying. He has to set up his career; I have to start my career. Plus we are not insecure about each other in that way.  We know career should be our priority now and we can get married later.”

“Okay! Just let me know when you want to get married. You sound so much like me when I was younger.”

“And see you turned out just fine! You found pappa; you are financially sound, what else do one need?”

6 months later

“We should get married. At least get the marriage talks started. I can’t handle the my family pressure anymore” he told her

“What about our career? What about my career? I just graduated. I want to do Masters.” She tried to make him understand.

“Yes butwhat harm is it going to do? We will get married and then you pursue your career”

“I will turn 23 this September; I am still young to handle marriage. I can’t do this. Moreover you have your career to follow. You are just giving in to the pressure. Make your parents understand that we aren’t in 1960s anymore. We have ambitions and we want to follow them. We have all our lives to get married and have babies” she hoped he would understand that it is just way too early for her.

“I can’t. You choose me or your career”

“Career. But I stood by you when you were struggling to get a job or when you failed a year in college. Can’t you do the same for me?”

“I can’t. Sorry”

One lonely evening, her thoughts started wandering…

Is it wrong that I am practical girl? I do intend to get married but there are certain things that I need to achieve before that. I need to have an identity, some financial security and some goal. Is it a good thing that this happened now? I don’t know. He should have been here supporting me, telling me that all is going to be fine. He should have made his parents understand that people these days are very career oriented, is that a good thing though? Should I be career oriented? I am not exactly being selfish here right? I am just asking for the bare minimum, let me just get started with a job. How difficult is that to understand?

23 and married sounds ridiculous anyway. I have two friends from school who are married and one even has a kid. I can see that they have achieved nothing in life and don’t even have any intentions. They are happy being housewives, nothing wrong with that but that’s just not what I had planned for myself. Am I stupid to let it all go when I had it all?

No! If the guy has the right to think of his career and his life and his finance and I supported him through all this thick and thins, I expect him to do the same. Maybe I am wrong but that’s only fair. Talk about equality dude!

Okay, I need to get a grip.

She drifted off to sleep

Why English Why?

“I don’t need to flirt, ill seduce you with my awkwardness” :P

She  so wish this was true. She generally found it easy to talk to people. When it comes to him, its like she hasn’t  learnt how to speak a sentence properly. Lately she fumbles a lot when speaking to him, its like her head is telling her something, her  heart is telling her some other thing and she is speaking something different entirely!

It wasn’t that difficult earlier, she did have a crush on him for 3 years but it was just that. It never escalated into anything more than that, just made up for some spice in college. Now that she was getting to know him, she realised that the damage was done! The crush has escalated.

Discussing love life in excrutiating details over a  cup of coffee with her besties has now turned into her nightmare. She just doesn’t seem to have answers to all their questions.  Waiting for him to message her has become her favorite passtime.

She hopes he hasn’t noticed the weird her. She hopes that she finds her vocabulary back soon and is able to communicate than just murmur some stupid words. Fumbling is another issue again, nervousness makes her blabber and she quickly realises what an ass she has been and then awkwardly tries to cover that up, basically making the entire thing even more awkward and weird.

Have you ever been betrayed by your vocabulary like this?

Conversation

Me  – I am so hungry. I wish the lecture gets done soon.

He -  You should really consider having a good breakfast before leaving.

Me  – don’t you start again.

He -  you anyway don’t eat much.

Me -  I do alright. Haven’t you noticed most of the time we meet it’s generally about food. Lunch or dinner.

He – come up with more things to do together then.

Me  -  why don’t you do that? You always tell me to pick things to do.

He – it’s better no? if I start picking things you won’t get to do things that you want.

Me - isn’t the same happening to you now? You don’t get to do things you want. You always just agree to do whatever I say.

He – well that’s the point, I am happy doing things that makes you happy.

Me  - *Blushes*

Thus the boring lecture was spiced up thanks to Whatsapp! :D

Has To Stop

The quick breaks to office bathrooms to cry... has to stop.
The hatred towards him... has to stop.
Questioning myself because of all his abuses... have to stop.
Hating myself for being weak... has to stop.

There is no one else who can affect her the way he does. Despite all the things that she tried to not care it was just not that easy for her. Yes sometimes things don’t work out the way they are supposed to be, that’s not even bothering her much but what’s bothering her is the fact that he still continues to use her for his ego boost and she falls in the trap every time. The self loathing increases day by day and how much ever she tries to move ahead he brings her back to the same exact spot every time. Emotionally messes up – every morning feels like a struggle and every day a battle to put up a brave face, a big smile and an attitude that she is perfectly fine with her life. 

My Orkut Love Story

With everyone posting stuff about how Orkut is important to them and fellow bloggers posting in their memories of the Social Networking site. I thought, “Hey! I have a story to tell as well” so here I go!

            I remember being overly hooked by the site. With school, Classes and Tuitions taking up most of the time me along with some friends used to frequent the local cyber cafés and eagerly check our new scraps, testimonials etc. Orkut made my initial years of the World Wide Web so much more interesting.

            Coming to the story, I met him via Orkut. Although I confused him with someone else the conversation kept happening. Scraps turned to Gtalk and then Yahoo messenger. There were days when we spoke till 4am and still there was so much that we didn’t share that the conversation continued the next day. It was funny how someone I hadn’t even met then had become so close, guess conversation covers up the distance. Words and feeling can bring people together especially when you share every small thing that you do, however over the years that changed.

            I still remember the first time we met 6 months later. Awkward but glad that we could see each other in the real world and not virtual. The next day he proposed me and it was all wonderful with little ups and down … for the next 6years.

            To be honest I used to secretly enjoy the reactions I used to get whenever I told someone we met via Orkut. We always used to feel that we are lucky to find each other. Just a little too perfect everything was as time passed of course things changed and the perfect everything changed to not-so-perfect everything. Words like destiny, lucky, made for each other lost its value over the years and now we are no more together. Now when I think about it, it is perfect! It kind of is weird actually that it ended when Orkut announced that it’s closing. I see a perfect circle completing. Destiny is all I can say…

Hushed

Going through sexual abuse as a child, keeping it hidden from every other soul she knew… it wasn’t something she was proud of, it wasn’t something she wanted to be pitied about and it definitely wasn’t something she wanted to remember.

She  was constantly taught to be a strong girl! Slowly the being strong turned to hiding her feelings. She could now not express her feelings or tell someone how important they are to her because in case they decide to leave she has to be strong again. She seemed to be a cold heartless person, which she wasn’t.

It was until a man came in her life, and she was head over heels over him. Ofcourse he didn’t know that because she could never express it.  Years later the love turned to hate, the little quirks that were adorable now were plain irritating. And then the horror came to face her again, although this time not the physical kind but of verbal. The relationship turned abusive and forced her to doubt herself for still being equally head over heels for him, she now steals some moment alone everyone to cry. The nights are sleepless. She feels weak. She feels not so confident. She hates herself for letting him abuse her over and over again. And yet she will put up a big smile on her face in the morning and look for those blissful stolen moments when she can be her vulnerable self. 

That Feeling

Something was different with her… a state where she is happy and sad both at the same time. While someone was causing her extreme hurt there was this other person who gave her the much needed peace of mind.

They were talking on text on and off for days now…

I want to go for a Drive. She message him

How about in an hour? He replied back…

She couldn’t believe that this was happening, she had made a  passing comment about what she wants to do and he was ready to come do it with her. There was no message for the next 1hour and she thought he must have fallen asleep..

One hour later…

Chaleydrive pe? He messaged!

A smile spread across her face. Chalo! She replied.

Though there are some formalities to follow, some not-so-usual situations to handle. But she hopes things work out the way she makes them work out in her head.

There is something different… she is drawn to him like never before. 

Adjust

Things Change.. People Change.. Circumstances Change… She had noticed him change over the years as well...

From being totally head over heels for eachother it came down to hardly talking in a day…

I don’t have time, there is a lot going on in office. He always replied.

But he always seemed to find time for everything else that he wished to do.

She had gotten used to it as well… only meet occasionally or when there was a necessity. She soon found out there was another girl.

No brownie points for guessing that the unfortunate breakup followed.

It’s the time after that what messed her up. Abuses and insults followed which she couldn’t take.

 Is it so difficult to part ways with both their dignities intact and without creating all the mess which does nothing but insults the very relationship that they had.